In General…

• Children can best deal with their feelings surrounding the separation/divorce experience in a climate of cooperation.
• Working together as parents means cooperating with the other parent about raising the children. This can be done in person, by phone, or using notes.
• It is a myth that parents who were not able to get along as a couple cannot work together as parents. They can. It does take time and effort and redefining the relationship and expectations from being a couple, to a more business-like relationship of "Partners in Parenting".
• Go directly to the other parent for information, an answer or solution to a problem. Don’t allow the child to be in the middle, a messenger or a spy. If you cannot deal directly with the other parent use another adult.

What things are especially damaging for children?

• When they are restricted or prevented from spending sufficient time with both parents.
• When parents threaten to send children away or to leave children if they do not behave.
• When children are told or encouraged to believe that one parent is good and the other is bad - the taking of sides.
• When children don’t feel free to love both parents and also step-parents.
• When parents don’t properly prepare children for changes that will occur; i.e. changes in home, school, new partners, etc.
• Parents burdening children with adult problems, i.e. legal issues, finances.
• When parents compete with or criticize the other parent, i.e. "Your mother is always late", or "What did your dad feed you?"
• Badmouthing, blaming or complaining about the other parent within the child’s presence or earshot.
• Parents expecting children to comfort them instead of seeking adult support.
• Parents neglecting their own needs and/or needs of the children by overwhelming themselves with the entire responsibility of raising the children, instead of encouraging that both parents share in this responsibility.

Remember...

• Give the benefit of the doubt to the other parent’s motives.
• Continuing anger and bitterness towards your former partner can be far more damaging than the separation process itself.
• Don’t let yourself get caught in any angry feelings the child may have towards the other parent.
• Encourage the children to speak about their difficulties with the other parent - to the other parent. Do not get caught in the middle.
• THOU SHALT NOT UNDERMINE THE OTHER PARENT’S EFFORTS!

At Separation Time…

• Time can be an ally. Allow yourself and your children time for re-adjustment. This is often a painful and confusing time for everyone. Re-establish friends, activities and interests.
• Help the child feel that she or he is not different from others just because his or her parents have separated.
• At the time of separation, a consultation with a family mediator can assist parents in determining how best to tell the children that their parents are separating, dealing with issues such as:
  • How each parent will remain involved with them
  • Where each parent will live
  • The schedule of time with each parent
  • What will change and not change in their lives
• Let children know that the place(s) they will live is a parental decision, they are not having to choose between parents.
• Be open to the child’s talking about feelings of sadness and anger at what is happening without feeling guilty.
• Reassure children that separation or divorce is not their fault and that they are not being rejected or abandoned.

Tips for Freeing Kids from Feeling Pulled Between Parents

by Valerie Whitlam, M.S.W.

1. Shift gears from being marriage or common-law partners to being parent partners.
2. Settle disputes wherever possible through give-and-take and compromise.
3. Treat the other parent with respect and avoid putting the other parent down in front of the children.
4. Avoid arguments, scenes, threats, fights and violence - especially when your children are present.
5. Don’t be overly critical of or try to control the other parent.
6. Don’t link the payment of child support with the time the children may spend with their other parent. Pay child support payments regularly and on time.
7. Gain the other parent’s trust by keeping any agreements made.
8. Accept that each parent has the right to spend time with their children and the children have a right to a relationship with each parent.
9. Don’t participate in the children’s angry feelings regarding the other parent - let them blow off steam but don’t add fuel to the fire.
10. Allow the children to speak about their experiences and difficulties with the other parent and decline to give advice. Give them the name of a close friend of the other parent to talk to if more talking is needed.
11. Go directly to the other parent for answers or information - don’t ask a child, even if he/she wants to do this.
12. Don’t ask the children about the other parent’s life. Give the other parent’s motives the benefit of the doubt.

Post-Separation…

• Some children imagine the missing or absent parent as "perfect" instead of a human being with strengths and weaknesses.
• Part of grieving the loss of the family unit can be that the child takes on attitudes and behaviours of the parent they are not with at any given time. Sometimes these are characteristics that are annoying to the other parent - this is not a conscious act on the part of the child.
• Times of change may rekindle early separation feeling and behaviour (in kids and parents). Be aware and supportive through this, i.e. one parent’s remarriage or a move by any family member.
• It is important to note that children rarely play a knowledgeable or voluntary role in the decision making process either in the divorce or the remarriage.
• The story of your divorce or separation may have to be retold after the children get older and consider life more maturely.
• Remember the best parts of your marriage - share them with your children and use them constructively whether or not the children live primarily with you.

How to build a co-parenting relationship
(even when you think you can’t)

• Redefine your relationship. If it is too difficult to remain friends, then consider this to be a new business relationship, with the children as the common objective.
• Respect your ex’s relationship with your children. There is no one "right " way of doing things.
• When you have good cause to be concerned about your ex’s parenting behavior, discuss it in a non-threatening way. Resist the impulse to explode in anger, call names or shut down the conversation.
• Go out of your way to ensure that your ex is included in your child’s life.
• Try not to fight and especially in front of the children.
• Be flexible. Work with your ex to accommodate any changes in the routine.
• Remember that co-parenting is not always synonymous with equal parenting.
• When making decision for the child, think first: What is in my child’s best interest?

13 Ways Parents Can Help Children at Every Age
by M. Gary Neuman

• Never assume your child knows how much she means to you.
• Spend quality time and quantity time with your children.
• Always speak of the other parent in positive terms.
• Mediate your differences with your ex.
• Maintain structure.
• Invite spirituality into your life.
• Maintain family traditions.
• Become involved in your child’s life.
• Find and focus on your child’s wonderful qualities.
• Allow your child to express himself freely.
• Encourage your child’s individuality and development.
• Wake up in the morning and ask yourself, "What can I do for my child today that will make her smile? Then do it!
• Take care of yourself.